It Felt Like I was Dying
by MeowAnalysis
Summary: After Jonah has a panic attack it seems as he finally had to face his problems. The only issue is the fact that some are underlying, not being caused by Andi as he tries to tell himself. In moments like these he just wants his friends, things to be simple, and the pain to go away. Rated T: For themes to do with mental health, just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

_Hei, OMG did you ser the episode! That was amazing. Jeg love the scene where Cyrus comes out. Also the scene where Jonah has a panic attack. I never thought Disney would tackle mental health issues at all. It was unexpected, but I'm pleasantly surprised!_

 _Okay done with the praising, here is some fanfiction to get you through the wait/hiatus. The inevitable one._

This story takes place after the Bar Mitzvah, but alludes to what happened.

 **Spoiler Alert for those who haven't seen it.**

Jonah's POV:

It felt like the room was fading. Maybe like I was plummeting to my death. The room blurred and I felt paralyzed. I could barely move my arms and legs. It felt like I was being choked; just gasping for air and wanting them to take their fists off of me. I felt like I was using my last breaths to call out for help. TJ came over and was surprisingly nice. I never saw that coming, he always seemed like a jerk. Soon one of Cyrus's parents came over. Maybe it was one of his step parents, I couldn't have cared less in the moment. I just wanted the help, it felt like I was having a heart attack.

"You were having a panic attack"

I had no idea that could happen to people like me. It seemed to happen to people like them. Who ever 'them' are.

"Let me get Cyrus to translate"

No don't. I wouldn't want him to know. I wouldn't want any of them to know. I'm supposed to be the happy one, the carefree, and problem-less one. Not the one who has this. That's not Docious Magocious.

"I meet with kids who have them every day"

I don't want that to happen again. Take this away. It felt like I was dying. Why do I have to live in fear of it happening. Maybe Andi can take it away. When I was around her I never had this.

"Hey sweetie are you okay" My mom asks from the front seat of this sedan.

Great, now my mom wants to know. Does she need to? I don't want her worrying about me more that she has to.

"I'm fine" I lie.

"How was the bar mitzvah? Why did you want to leave early?" She questions.

"It was good. I was just having a bit of trouble with my friends, no big deal" I answer falsely.

"What trouble"

"Just the fact Buffy is having some issues with her mom. I felt like I just shouldn't be there; so I had Cyrus's personal shrink call you" I say with a touch of humor.

"Okay sweetie" she lets out finally.

I pull out my phone and look through me and Andi's pictures. All I can think of though is the photo booth with Walker.

* * *

After thinking about it I sneak out of my window and walk to Andi's.

I ask her to be my girlfriend.

Ummm is not the answer I had in mind.

After about five minutes of this I sneak back into my bedroom.

* * *

I look at the time. 11:24 isn't too late. I pull out my phone and see a text from Cyrus.

Cyrus: Why did you leave early

Me: Wasn't feeling docious magocious

Cyrus: Well I hope you feel better

Cyrus: I'm here if you want to talk

Oh great did his dad tell him.

Me: Okay

Cyrus: Do you want me to come over

In all honesty I do want him to come over, but I don't want him to know. I don't want anyone to know. I swipe my hands underneath my eyes. Why am I crying? Why can't I stop feeling horrible?

Me: Yeah dude I know it was your bar mitzvah

Me: U don't have 2

I don't want to bring him down. He's usually happy to see me though.

Cyrus: Sure

* * *

My mom has a lax policy on having friends over. Meaning she doesn't care. I see Cyrus's mom's car and Cyrus getting out.

"Hey dude"

"Hi Jonah"

"How were the last few moments of your bar mitzvah?"

"Good, Buffy is apparently moving soon. According to a fortune teller"

"Let's hope she's fake"

"I don't think she is, everything else said was to real. Jonah?"

"Yeah"

"Why did you leave, I interrogated my family, never got an answer"

"I wasn't feeling my best, want to go inside, it's cold"

"Sure"

We walk up to my room. Cyrus texts his mom something before placing his phone on my dresser.

"You don't have to be afraid of telling me anything"

"It's something with Andi"

"What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it"

"Jonah!"

"I don't"

I start to break down. Everything blurs. I feel like my circulations cut off, feeling my limbs numb. Gasping for air.

"You're not dying, You're not dying, You're not dying" I repeat in an audible whisper.

"Jonah!"

I regret having him over.

"What's happening?"

Should I tell Cyrus. Will he think differently of me? Will he hate me? I don't want to lose one of the only people I feel safe with.

"It's, It's, It's just a panic attack. I'll be fine, like I was before"

"Before?!"

"I'm sorry I didn't" I cut myself off, I feel like I'm going to...

* * *

"Jonah?"

I look up.

"What time is it?"

"It's 12:42"

"What?"

"You passed out!"

"Dude, I'm sorry I put you through that! That's not very docious magocious of me"

"It's fine, I texted my step dad and he told me what to do. Sorry If you didn't want him knowing."

"He knew, at your thing, he helped me. He told me I wasn't dying. I had never had this before. I've always been anxious, and stressed, maybe because I wanted to be perfect. Like I ignored all feelings associated with events. I felt, and still feel like I have to. People deserve that side of me, you deserve that side of me. Sorry that I can't do that right now."

"Jonah, don't be sorry. You don't have to be. You don't have to be like that around me if you don't want. I mean I'm always weak and some what self loathing around you. Maybe just not to the extremes with myself though. You always seemed cool; to be your always going to be. I care about you, don't feel like you have to be an image of perfection around me."

"Dude, that all sounds really superficial."

"Yeah, but it is true"

"Thanks."

"No problem."

I look around at the room. It's dark and the moon is the only light helping me look Cyrus in the eyes. Maybe that's all I can take. A barely showing silhouette. I can't take myself. I don't want me. How could he be around me. Nobody deserves what I'm putting them through.

"Jonah?"

"Yeah"

"If you don't want to talk about what's bugging you it's fine, sorry if I made it seem mandatory."

"Me and Andi broke up, she doesn't want me, nobody does."

"I do"

"Who cares what you think. You're just saying this to get me feeling awesome again. As if I felt like it in the first place."

"I never expected this from you, out of all people to be honest."

"Yeah, that's what makes this so much worse."

"Why?"

"Because maybe my problems were my secrets. Cyrus, how much did you really know about me? I was a pretty face, a school athlete, someone who was a ray of sunshine without a personality. Fake."

"Jonah..."

"I just wanted people to like me. Even if I faked myself. I never tell anyone this, not my mom who's barely around. Definitely not my dad who I haven't spoken a single word to in four years!"

He reaches in and hugs me. His hair smells like lavender and chocolate. It's not unwelcomed. Nobody tells anyone how nice it is to physically have someone next to you. Maybe if it was more excepted I'd do this more often. Not that I've ever cared for labels though...

 _Okay, sorry if this was a bit long. More Jyrus for you all though. If you want me to continue let me know._

 _The formatting was a bit strange as I did it on fanfiction's site and not what I write with._

 ** _Thanks for reading!-MA_**


	2. Chapter 2

_Not much for an authors note except thanks for the reviews and here's the next chapter._

Enjoy!

Jonah's POV:

I pull away from the hug. My eyes bloodshot, and me probably looking horrible. I avoid looking Cyrus in the eyes. Or at the least where I think his eyes are.

"Jonah"

"Yeah"

"It's okay, we all have or issues, some of us just have more issues than others. I always though I was alone in my issues. By that meaning that no one had them. I would look at you and just wish to only have two emotions happinesses and serenity."

"Sorry"

"What? Don't be! I always was down on myself and I guess in some selfish way that I'm glad you have more to you."

I just laugh.

"Docious magocious" I say with sarcasm.

"No really Jonah, it's fine."

He reaches in for another hug. This time in seems without the intention of letting go anytime soon.

"I just never tell anybody, I feel like I'm going to puke."

"Not on this shirt hopefully"

I laugh.

"It gets hard."

"I know, you can tell me anything, not like I'm going to use it against you."

"I'd hope not."

"Try Me"

"Okay, but this is a long one."

"I got all night, literally."

"Some times I really miss having a relationship with my parents. How do you think that I can just hang out with you guys all the time. Even show up to your guys' houses without anyone caring. I mean that's the good part. The shit part comes when no ones home all night, and I can't feel comfortable. I get pissed at the fact you guys get this unconditional love thing, I have to go find it somewhere. I never did till you guys."

Cyrus squeezes me a bit tighter.

"I love you, but, not, like in a creepy way"

I laugh.

"Cyrus, I know you used to obsess about me, and the other athletes at our school. You always seemed jealous of them."

"Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"Anything else that bugs you?"

"I don't want to drag you down."

"Jonah, you're not dragging me down."

"I was always that ray of sunshine though."

"And now you're not, well to Andi and Buffy you still are."

"Don't tell them, don't tell anyone."

"We all know that 'anyone' is one person."

"Well tell your parents or something, but not anyone our age, at our school, or wherever. I don't want this to come back and bite me."

"I won't, but can I ask something that's been on the back of my mind?"

"Sure"

"Why did you tell Andi that you don't like labels?"

"I don't. I don't want people to see me and label my personality, sexuality, relationships, friends, and just my life. I don't want any of it. I'm sick of it. People shove others in these boxes. I don't want a box anymore."

"Well cardboard's pretty easy to break through."

"Yeah"

I wonder if I should continue. I've already said way too much. I guess I will, I already said things I regret, why not add to it.

"Labels annoy me. People just take one look at me and decide how they're going to treat me. People look at my personality and decide what I like and what our conversations will be about. It usually ends up being horror movies if films are the subject or sports in all areas. Even if the conversation had NOTHING to do with sports!

They look at my sexuality and get pissed if I'm with ANOTHER girl. As if that's the only gender that matters.

They label my relationships. Amber and Andi took one look at me and decided that we'd be boyfriend and girlfriend, never what I wanted. They took what they wanted and freaked out when I was less than ideal. Their ideal, not mine.

People look at my friends and judge me. I get treated differently by others when I hang out with different people. As if they expect I have many faces, not that I'm just the same person.

People look at my face I put on for the outside world. They like it more that the real me. When I let people into my world they treat me differently. Like I'm a stranded puppy, not like me. Then they don't even offer to help, just stand from a moral high ground and throw their message of pity and judgement.

Judgements all I get, I don't want it."

"Jonah"

I swipe at my eyes. I really shouldn't be crying. Cyrus is kinda girly and was raised by shrinks so I don't know if he cares. He hasn't told me to man up like my dad has. So that's a good thing.

The last few hours have been so awful. It's like my world is collapsing in itself. Like I'm drowning. Not only that I'm dumping this all on Cyrus who has his own problems. I've been really self centered tonight.

"Sorry, I haven't really been a great friend tonight."

"Jonah, stop saying sorry. You don't have to be. I'm not going to tell you how to feel though. I'm not going to label you either. If you don't want labels or boxes or expectations I won't force them on you."

"Really?"

"Of course not, I'm not Andi or Amber or any girl breathing down your neck."

"Thanks dude."

I'm still in Cyrus's arms. I guess it's weird that I'm resting on his shoulder crying. I always thought that was an expression, one that never actually happened. I quickly glance at the clock. 4:11, I guess I've kept myself and Cyrus up all night.

"Sorry I've kept you up this late."

"I'm not going to go to sleep now, if I do I'm going to mess up my sleep schedule. I honestly don't want to do that AGAIN!"

"Want coffee? If we can make it like an hour and a half more we can see the sunrise."

"Sure"

Not like sleepless nights are anything I'm not used to. Sometimes I'll just be to stressed or anxious to go to sleep. As much as I hate that side of me it helps me to finish the "procrastinate till the last minute" papers or projects.

Me any Cyrus walk down the stairs and he sits at the island in the middle of the kitchen. I put the filter and coffee in the machine and wait for it to brew. Me and Cyrus don't talk, wouldn't want to wake my mom up.

After the coffees done brewing I make a cup and sit next to Cyrus. It's 4:48 now. Cyrus looks like he wants to say something.

"We can talk, we just have to whisper" I whisper.

"Why don't you just tell Andi that."

"I did, she freaked out. I went to her doorstep and told her I wanted something I didn't in a last ditch attempt to get her back. She said umm. Nothing else. So I gave up."

"Woah, woah, woah, why didn't you tell me that."

"Because you're her friend and you're probably going to take her side."

"I'm not"

"What?"

"No Jonah, she shouldn't make you conform to a label you don't want. On the other side you shouldn't be in the relationship if you or her aren't getting what you want."

"Yeah, I shouldn't of stringed her on, I get it, I suck"

"You don't suck."

I try to take a sip of my coffee before realizing there's none left. I walk over to the sink and set my mug in.

"The sun should be up soon" I comment.

"Yeah" Cyrus lets out.

 _Hey guys do you want me to make this a Jyrus fic? I wasn't planning on it, but I can do it._

Also if you want me to continue let me know.

 **Thanks for reading!-MA**


	3. Chapter 3

_Okay guys a few things to note. Sorry I have not been updating. Life had been busy._

 _Also not going to make this a Jyrus fic. I like the friendship fic and apparently so do you, thank you and_

 **Enjoy!**

 **Jonah's POV:**

In some way I regret finishing my coffee. I feel like I should be doing something rather than nothing. The sun starts to shine through over the horizon. Illuminating the dark sky to a royal blue. Soon all of the other colors fill the sky. It looks like a postcard. I look over at Cyrus who's happily watching the sunrise. I'm not going to say anything. I feel like that's asking for my own demise.

But I guess I am.

"Well It's starting, here's to another sleepless night" I comment.

He laughs.

"I usually get some sleep, if only for a couple hours. I just let thoughts get in the way of me sleeping."

"Well you already know my situation" I say feeling instant remorse.

"It's okay Jonah, I just want you to know that."

"I never had a panic attack until yesterday..."

"I have never had one so I can only have an idea based on what you and my parents have told me."

"Will they ever go away, or am I stuck with them forever?"

"You're not going to want the answer."

"Any answer is going to help me at this point."

"I don't know, it depends if your stressors go away, or if you learn how to cope with them. It's not that life is planning on getting easier. There are things like medication though."

"Like what medication? I'm really new to this, I didn't even know feelings could turn on you so strongly."

"Anti-depressants, I think there are other things too, I don't know a lot about it, sorry."

"Don't be Cyrus, I'm putting you in a really shitty position."

"If I didn't want you to I would've pushed you away by now."

"Please don't do that anytime soon."

"I don't plan to."

The sun is now illuminating the sky a soft pink; the edges of the sky are differing shades of blue. I look over at Cyrus. He's also looking at me.

"Jonah, mind if I tell you something you probably don't want to hear?" Cyrus asks.

"No, I just told you a bunch of stuff you didn't want to hear, so it's fair if you do it back."

"For the longest time I had a crush on you. I'm not going to deny it isn't there now. But when I saw you walk in the halls I bumped into my locked and made myself look like a complete idiot.

Because I was crushing on you I wanted to learn everything about you. So I went to your games, tried your hobbies, tried weird foods that in all honesty, would probably make my mom upset if I admitted that I ate them.

Not that any of that matters. I mean it does, but not for the point that I'm going to make here. If I hadn't gone through that I wouldn't have you as a friend. If it wasn't for all of the nights staying up replaying our interactions in my head trying to find issues with them. Or in general being an idiot. I wouldn't have you. Nor would I be who I am now. Experiences are needed. So I guess what I'm saying is that you'll have to work out your own problems, not that I won't be here, but rather everyone has them."

"Thanks. I'm cured."

"That's not what I mean."

"I know."

 _So hey guys this is a short chapter. But I had to update so here it is._

 _If you want me to continue let me know!_

 **Thanks for Reading!-MA**


	4. Chapter 4

_Here is the last very short chapter to this story!_

 _ **Thank you all for reading this far into the story.**_

 _If you have any ideas for any other stories you can let me know._

 _Enjoy!_

* * *

 **Jonah's POV:**

 _(2 days after that night)_

I haven't had a panic attack for a few days. I'm kinda in a state of wondering when the next will hit. It seems to be random even if I'm told it's not. There are all sorts of things that are supposed to be 'triggers,' but I haven't found them yet.

It's Monday today so I have to go to school. I really hope Cyrus didn't tell anyone about my 'issues.' I hope that T.J. didn't tell all of the asshats on the basketball team either.

"Hey sweetie" my mom says as I walk into the kitchen.

"Hey" I say, not planning to continue this conversation.

I walk out the door. It's pretty warm out. I wore a jacket just incase it wasn't. I walk a few blocks to school and go to homeroom. I'm the first to arrive. The teachers not even here yet. I guess I'll just doing a few pages of homework I didn't find the strength to do this weekend. I'm dreading lunch and what the people will say. I think they'll know. T.J. probably hopped at the first chance he got to slander my reputation.

* * *

 _(Lunch, 4 hours later)_

I find Cyrus and Andi at the table.

"Hey guys" I greet.

"Hey, how's your day been so far" Andi asks.

"Fine, but it could be better" I reply.

I sat down next to Cyrus who's eying the muffins.

"If you want a muffin so much why don't you just get one" I ask.

"I did once" Cyrus replies.

"Once?" I ask in a state of half belief.

"Well T.J. helped, kinda" Cyrus says.

"It's a short story, but essentially T.J. did it because Buffy told him" Andi comments filling me in on the details.

"Since when have you..." I say, I'm not even sure where to start. I'm just realizing that I'm not even that important to their friend group anymore. Except to Cyrus. I miss dating Andi. At least when we were together I didn't have to worry about panic attacks. At least I was informed.

"Where's Buffy anyway?" I question.

"Packing." Andi shoots back.

"What?" I say not expecting an answer.

"Yeah her mom's moving and she is too, we found out after the bar mitzvah" Cyrus answered.

"Oh."

* * *

 _(After School)_

I walk to the spoon alone. I walk in and sit in my normal spot.

"Hey" Amber says.

"Hey" I reply.

"My shifts over, can I sit with you?"

"Sure, go ahead, everything's Docious Magocious"

"You're overcompensating"

I just sigh.

"What's wrong Jonah?"

"Nothings going right, how are you doing?"

"Not great either, I don't know if I can afford the rent. I don't know if my mom is coming back."

"What happened?"

"My mom got upset he was blowing all of her money at the casino, so she stormed out. I haven't seen her around town either."

"Amber."

"I'm fine Jonah, seriously fine."

"We both know that means not fine at all."

"If I don't have her I don't know who I have."

"Well you have your friends."

"Only Iris now, after I went down hill they didn't want me anymore. Do you how it feels to be unwanted? To be stressed everyday?"

"Yeah, actually I do."

"Oh."

Amber walks out of the restaurant. She never cries in front of anyone. Not even Iris. She's just scared of being weak I guess. To be fair I don't like crying alone or in front of anyone either. It just feels like you're a weak loser, nobody wants that. You aren't wanted if you're a loser.

I kinda don't even want food anymore. Or to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone. I walk back to my house and sit in my room. It's around four. The sun is just starting to set. I don't turn the lights or the TV on. I don't look at my phone. For the first time in awhile I'm not thinking or feeling anything. I'm not even going to try. I just stare at the ceiling waiting for the light to fade...


End file.
